Throwing Stones in a Glass House

We would like to say that we are not judgemental people but that would be an untrue statement across the board. We judge. We judge people and their decisions and we judge things that cannot be controlled. Judgment is our way of making sense of a situation and assigning value and meaning to people, things, and events. Our brains are hardwired to categorize for rapid retrieval. While our judgment may not originate from malice or disdain, what we do with our judgments can cause serious harm.

If we allow ourselves to access the gift of presence and time to reflect upon what is happening within us and around us, we can transform our judgmental nature. When we become aware of our inner voice going into default judgment mode this can be used as a wake-up call to create an opportunity for reflection, growth, and understanding.

Many of us are prone to judging others based on how their bodies show up in this world. For instance, we judge based on physical appearance, assumed race, body size, assumed gender, age, beauty standards, visible disabilities, skin tone, etc... Our judgment says more about us than about the person we are judging.

When we judge other people we are assigning value to some dimension of their diversity, whether we are aware of it or not. These dimensions of diversity can be illustrated in our Humanity Mosaic; a mechanism for change used to illuminate the various factors that make up our self-identification. Some of the identifying areas include culture and ethnicity, age, gender and sexual identity, language, socioeconomic status, education, work industry, physical and mental abilities, family, income and finances, and so on. Each dimension of our diversity affects the other in some way or another, and many of these factors affect how we treat people and in turn how we are treated.

Criticizing someone based on factors beyond their control is one of the most toxic practices contributing to the divisions we face. We assume people choose certain dimensions of their diversity and we fail to recognize the effects of their circumstances or the culmination of other dimensions of their diversity. In Know Justice Know Peace, I explore this concept in depth through the use of the Humanity Mosaic and the early messages we received about value and othering.

As we explore our own self-identification we can begin to unravel the complexities of our value systems and how they were formed. This process can be difficult to come to terms with when you uncover the truth around how implicit biases have crept their way into your life.

Some of us learn that, while we may have good intentions, our actions, behaviors, and beliefs can harbor messages of bias and bigotry, and enable the othering of many different types of people. This realization can cause some people to react in a highly defensive manner and push back with resistance. The defensiveness and reluctance to accept our flaws are entirely normal and a basic human reaction. However, the next steps we take to move past this resistance are crucial to our growth as healthy, compassionate, and connected human beings.

If you want to learn more about this here's a little sneak peek into Know Justice Know Peace:

“Uncovering the origins of your value system opens the door to developing compassion for yourself and others. A key step in the process acknowledging that you are not responsible for the early messages you received or for the implicit biases in which you were imbued. However, once acknowledged you are responsible for uncovering the biases in a healthy way and engaging in the inner work necessary to move from judgment and division and into empathy and connection… [The] values we hold on to, and especially the ones that shape our ethos, are hidden in the crevasses and corners of the beliefs, words, and actions of our early influencers. These values became our implicit biases, whether we asked for it or not. We then shaped our own belief systems around these learned messages and early influencers and more often than not passed them on to the next generation. The ultimate challenge here is that most of us get these messages packed up for us... not by us. We are given these biases and we carry them out into our adult life. Sadly, many of us never unpack this baggage. What we do not surface will not be explored. Without a deep exploration of what we are bringing forward into our adult lives we will either pass on bias or grace; never knowing the difference between the two. It seems like a self-perpetuating cycle, however, we can stop the destructive wheel from spinning by:

• Choosing to do our inner work

• Examining the baggage that came pre-programmed with bias

• Exploring the decision matrix that we employ for making our choices about groups of people

• Noticing whether our preprogramming leans toward compassion or persecution”

My book Know Justice Know Peace: A Transformative Journey of Social Justice, Anti-Racism, and Healing through the Power of the Enneagram is available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

KNOW JUSTICE KNOW PEACE: A Transformative Journey of Social Justice, Anti-Racism, and Healing through the Power of the Enneagram

Human Trauma is Not Your Drama

Drama sells. People feed off scandal and the misfortune of others when scrolling through social media and news outlets. We have witnessed the spin and distortions of true stories that play out in public to the point where it’s hard to be sure of what is real and what is manufactured.

At some point, we become disconnected and dissociated with the people in the stories we read and their trauma becomes our entertainment. Mere flashes in our morning routine as we sip our coffee and get ready for work. But these stories live on as a catalog for trauma exploitation.

Consider the recent events at the Oscars. We witnessed what happened live on a global platform. If you weren’t in attendance it was easy enough to find as it is now plastered all over the news, social media, talk shows, etc. It was shocking and painful to watch, and still, people use this moment to create memes and to laugh at the pain of others. Judgment is running rampant, condemning people for their actions, and adding fuel to an already incendiary topic. Unfortunately, it has become normal to exploit the trauma of another person. Some would argue that public figures should expect, and accept, the commentary about what happens in their daily lives. Even though this was a very public event and the incident was broadcast to millions of people, what each of us chooses to do with it says more about who we are than it does about the people involved.

It is pointless to say we should keep our comments to ourselves and not talk about it. It’s out there. It happened. We saw it and still have access to the incident. What I can suggest is that this is a moment to pause for reflection and consider how we talk about this painful event. Remove the celebrity aspect of all of it for a moment. Consider the people involved as actual people and think about how this moment carried so much more weight and meaning than we understand. Our conversations can come from a more compassionate place where we refrain from considering the actions as a stand-alone factor, and we examine the underlying systemic nature of what led up to this event. Traumatic events such as this have root causes that are deeper than our expressions of a quick rush to judgment.

We are not entitled to know their story, nor are we automatically deserving of their remorse—and yet we demand it.

This is the moment when we are presented with yet another opportunity for self-reflection. We are often willing to evaluate, condemn, criticize, and then demand a certain outcome as a result of the actions of others. Are we also willing to invest that much passion and energy into reflecting upon how what we do affects the people in our personal sphere of connection? Do we have the same level of outrage when we witness these events happening right in front of us? We may have developed a sense of entitlement and feel we can insert ourselves into the lives of others simply because they are celebrities. We don’t accept that they are deserving of privacy or compassion.

A growth point for us all is taking a step back and observing what happens when we witness traumatic events happening to the people we actually know. A step further would be to pay attention to what prevents us from speaking up instead of turning a blind eye to the daily atrocities happening right under our noses.

If we choose to be on a spiritual path there is a huge body of work that informs our journey on this topic.

Our journey may need course correction when we find ourselves consumed by the external drama of someone else’s trauma.

Words Have Power

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

And so it begins. This is but one example of the way that we are programmed by seemingly well-intentioned humans to armor up and get ready for what the world is going to throw at us. We believe these words, at least we try to until we have the experience of words that inflict deeper wounds than the sharpest of sticks and the heaviest of stones. Consider the last time someone uttered something truly hateful in your presence; do you remember how that felt? Those words set in motion a ripple effect that went out into the world, far beyond the clinginess of a single conversation.

A few words have the ability to shatter a human being’s spirit and to live in their body for a lifetime. This is how we begin to accumulate wounds that we sometimes never heal.

Words have power. We choose them, either intentionally or unintentionally, to convey a message that often has a different impact than what we intended. A single word may hold little power over one person but may project a great deal of pain and suffering onto another. The words we use carry more meaning than many of us are aware of; consequently, they can do more damage than we ever thought possible.

Some people have an overtly reactive response when they are called out for using terms that others deem offensive, derogatory, racist, sexist, or homophobic. It is uncomfortable for some people to be called out on their mistakes or told that they have done something hurtful or wrong. When we are confronted with our wrongdoing we can become defensive, it’s a natural human response. If you are called out on your words or actions you can learn something powerful if you can pause, breathe, and examine what is truly happening. The key to unraveling this twisted mess is uncovering the reason behind your defensive reaction. Finding the true cause of the defensive reactivity can unlock a much deeper inquiry into who you are and how you are showing up in the world. Ask yourself:

• Are you feeling defensive because you believe being wrong makes you a bad person?

• Are you defensive because you believe being vulnerable is a sign of weakness?

• Are you afraid of looking like a failure?

• Are you upset that someone is trying to control you?

• What is at the root of the reaction?

Exploring your dominant Enneagram Point is one of the most enlightening methods for addressing your reactions and behaviors. If you do not know the Enneagram I will recommend that you take some time to discover what answers it may hold for you as an individual—“find where you stand on the Enneagram map.” If you have some knowledge of the Enneagram or have been a practitioner for a while take the time to go deeper into the inquiry of how your basic fear, desire, and core motivation are connected to your negative reactions during conflicts. Many of us are aware that our Enneagram energy can manifest in many different ways depending on the situation, but when we become aware of how it affects our reactions across differences we can begin to see how we have become trapped in a cycle of toxic behaviors.

In my book Know Justice Know Peace, I explore this concept in depth across all 9 Points of the Enneagram. Each energy has a unique way of navigating challenges across differences and the dominant energy can affect the subsequent reaction to conflict. For instance, when an Enneagram One is called out for using a derogatory term or behaving offensively, they can use reactive formation as a defense mechanism. This process creates a disconnect in that it forces the One to react and behave in a manner that directly opposes their true feelings. As a One, being wrong, causing harm, or making a mistake are the basic fears that cause the person to conceal their true emotions and redirect their fears onto others. The offending words and the words that follow as a reaction can have a powerful impact when formed within an unhealthy Enneagram energy.

Know Justice Know Peace unravels the complexities behind how each energy can either adapt to challenges or drop even lower in the levels of development when responding to challenges across differences. I hope you will use this book as a guide to begin your journey into healing yourself and ultimately healing humanity.

Know Justice Know Peace is available for pre-order.