Holding Space to Counter Compassion Fatigue

Allow me a moment to repeat one of my better known quotes: “Presence is not a privilege, it’s a necessity.”

Presence is intentional and deliberate. It doesn’t just happen without taking the time to allow ourselves to fully bring our minds, bodies and spirits into any moment that we occupy. And the root of being present is understanding how to embody authentic compassion.

Compassion is aligned with the cornerstone of the virtues needed to heal humanity.

The catch is that this does not come without its challenges as compassion can deplete your energy before you have any awareness that you are running on fumes. As human beings, we have a limited capacity to give without replenishing and nourishing our own spirits before we find ourselves coasting on empty.

Remaining present may be our intention especially when what we care about is part of our passion and purpose, but there has to be a balance - being aware and receptive at all times can take a heavy toll.

We can feel the numbness to the suffering of others creep up on us. Take school shootings for example: not too long ago, hearing of a shooting on a campus would send our entire nation into a period of mourning, but if the Columbine shooting happened today, the sentiment from many of us would be a simple “oh how awful!” as we continued on with our day.

The day to day tragedies that are a finger scroll away still create a strong visceral response in me, yet sadly, I’ve come to expect them. I’ve not reached the point where I can move past them quickly when I hear the news. I pray that day never comes. I do not want to give in to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that risks turning into apathy and cynicism and, eventually, numbness.

One look at the current affairs of the world would make it clear that we are a world low on empathy, and it feels to me that our reserves are running dangerously low.

This phenomenon is called 'compassion fatigue’. If you aren’t familiar with the term, it is a clinical condition that was brought into prominence in the late eighties by Dr Charles Figley. He defined the condition as “a state of exhaustion and dysfunction, biologically, physiologically and emotionally, as a result of prolonged exposure to compassion stress.”

Experiencing compassion fatigue can lead someone to disconnect from their current environment, affect their sleep cycles, cause them to be irritable or anxious, have a negative attitude towards life, and impair their ability to feel the plight of another.The essential idea at the core of this is that like pleasure can be felt vicariously, so can be trauma.

What is the reason that we are all so affected by compassion fatigue? We might not have to look further away from the screens of our smartphones to find the reason. The constant barrage of information that gets fed into our brains on a daily basis is overwhelming. Gone are the days when there was just Facebook. Now we are constantly juggling between our various social media platforms, from Twitter to Instagram, and the onslaught of breaking news updates.

It is human for us to process the grief of our family, friends, or even neighbours; but being open to being present and to develop the capacity to process the plight of millions of people takes intentional inner work.

Without understanding how to manage our own internal responses we will short circuit our system.

Compassion fatigue is a complex and nuanced stress-related disorder that we are only beginning to understand, but we need help managing it now - so how?

For all stress-related disorders, it goes without saying that the stress can be alleviated, even if slightly, if the stressor is removed.

If you take a soldier out of a conflict zone, they might still have PTSD but their mental health will slightly improve. Similarly, if social media is the stressor, we have to make a conscious choice to log off from it, physically and psychologically. I think about the daily stress that is one of many challenges of being BIPOC in the United States and globally where the subtle and not so subtle microaggressions are a part of our daily lives. The medical field is just beginning to track some of the negative health conditions that are associated with these stressors.

When accustomed to being in the loop all the time it might feel difficult initially to scale back. Fundamentally, when our compassion stores are at risk, it is worth the effort. If completely shutting down doesn’t seem like an option, we can also opt to ‘curate’ our social media feeds to be more mental health friendly and learn to heed “trigger warnings” by not taking in content that might tip off our stress levels.

Ignoring the pain of being aware of the deep levels of inequity, injustice and suffering is not what I am recommending here. There is no way around it, no way over or under it; the only authentic way to be a part of the solution is to understand how to go through it. Managing your capacity for holding the pain and suffering that exist in the world is part of being human.

We are all connected, therefore just pretending it’s not happening does nothing to heal humanity. Learning how to heal ourselves is a good first step. Prioritizing self-care, whatever that means for you is essential. You cannot give what is no longer inside you. Check your compassion and empathy stores before they run out. Give yourself permission to reserve your energy for things you care about. Remember your indulges and partake without guilt or reservation. Self care replenishes your energy to give another day.

At the end of the day, if we want to leave a better world for the generations to come after us we must be able to ‘care’ about the future. As the saying goes, ‘Charity begins at home.’ If we cannot be kind to our own bodies, minds and spirits by granting ourselves permission to rest, can we honestly have the kindness needed to show another?

It might feel selfish or counter-intuitive to focus on yourself in pursuit of caring more for others, but looking after yourself is the only way to assure you have the energy reserves to stay present in the long-run. Compassion is a marathon - pace yourself.

Honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.

I have a dream that one day out in the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by their character.

I have a dream today.

I have heard Martin Luther King Jr's speech many times in my life and every time it has lifted my spirits and simultaneously made me weep. I believe in that dream. I will always believe in our dream. We each stand in the beauty and the stark light of reality to see our differences and celebrate them. Our children are safe and happy. Our families are connected. Our beloved communities are one. Nothing can take that away from me. I believe in that dream because it is part of the energy that lives in me.

There are people who claim to be following a spiritual path or are deeply rooted in dogmatic religion, but fail to recognize that their faith is the key to reconnecting our society and bringing the Dream to life. If this is the path that we are on, we have to open our eyes to be able to actually see, recognize, and acknowledge that social justice and inclusion require the connection to our faith, our spirituality, and love for all of humanity.

When I embrace the wisdom of the Enneagram and continue my inner work it is a Divine Yes in the alignment of my body, head, and heart, and it lives within my soul. I know in my mind that we are all connected and that the connection must be honored and nurtured. I know in my gut that the connection that we all share is vital to the survival and perpetuation of all of us as a species. I know in my heart that we can embrace people from all backgrounds in the dimensions of our diversity. We can recognize that we were all created to exist in this universe together through grace, integrity, and love. And this original bond that we share gives each and everyone of us a connection that we cannot undo.

Despite this wholeness I feel within me, I am also acutely aware that racism, sexism, homophobia, class discrimination, and all systems of othering have damaged all who reside in these human bodies. In order to honor the Dream and our connection we must work together, live together, be together. We can dismantle the systems that divide us. We can overcome the challenges faced by our sisters, brothers, and siblings who have been pushed to the margins of society. We can find a path back to our own humanity. We can honor the reality that one day there will be justice and there will be peace. And that day is upon us.

We can do better.

We should do better.

We will do better.

Together We Can Know Justice and Know Peace.

The New Year Malaise

Has it hit you yet? All the preparation and anticipation and excitement, the food and the joy and the family gathering has come and gone. I can feel the energy of something I can’t quite describe weaving its way around me. Maybe it has already taken over and has you locked tightly in its grip.

The post-holiday blues.

They’re real, that low that follows any high. The hole left by our lofty expectations for a brand new year and a brand new you, only to wake up in the same old body and the same old house and the same old routine.

Personally, I let go of the notion of New Year's resolutions decades ago. I decided to set myself up for success rather than failure or disappointment.

Change is a necessary part of life and is of course possible. I acknowledge that change requires time, intentional work and consistency. I also admit that what is required of me for change are things I know I want nothing to do with while trying to regenerate from the energy expended on preparations and celebrations over the last few weeks.

The new year is a great time to identify areas of challenge and change in and around us. My approach has been serving me well for many years now, and I love sharing it in the hopes that you will give it a try and join me.

I have a personal practice dedicated to making your life CLICK. I start the year by reminding myself of what makes my life click. I live my life leaning into making sure that I am Centered, Loving, Inclusive, Compassionate and Kind. Those five words put into action make my life CLICK, and they can do the same for you.

These are 5 simple words that can often be hard to hold onto in the day-to-day, so I’ve gathered a handful of steps that work for me and may be useful for you if you want things to start to CLICK in your own life.

CENTERED

Start with You. Take some time for yourself to get Centered so that you can understand how you see yourself, how others see you, and how your filters guide and influence you. A few minutes in the morning of tuning out the world and turning inward to check in with your own being is important. Are you starting your day peaceful and calm or agitated and angry? Turn down the energy of anger or anxiety by focusing on gratitude. Look at what is good in your life and let the feelings of gratitude help to center and ground you as you go through your day. Gratitude is a magnet for Grace. The more grateful you are the more open you become to receiving Grace.

LOVING

Let a LOVING heart take the lead in all relationships and interactions. We have different backgrounds and experiences from one another, experiences that have shaped how we see the world and how we react to certain situations. Your knowledge and awareness of your personal individual qualities can strengthen your ability to have positive interactions with others. When you allow yourself to lean into a loving way of being you treat everyone with dignity and respect. Know your strengths and be willing to work on your weaknesses.

Understanding your own background and reason for your behaviors serves as a foundation for approaching others with a loving heart. Keep in mind the importance of your intent vs. your impact. Become mindful of how you respond to others and be responsible for your words and actions. Always remember that your words when spoken from a place of love can make a difference in ways that you might not be able to imagine.

Once you understand yourself, it’s crucial to know how others might perceive you and how you impact them. Does your humor at times upset those around you? Do you find yourself making comments that seem casual and off-handed to you but cause others to look away? This type of “harmless” behavior might not mean much to you, but often it can be deeply hurtful to the people around you. Be sensitive to others and aware of your own actions. Allow love to be a quality that you access to hold yourself accountable. Were those words, actions or behaviors aligned with your definition of moving through the world in a loving way?

INCLUSIVE

Be Inclusive. Build your cultural awareness. Respond to friends, neighbors, colleagues, employees, customers, and all humans in a culturally respectful manner. Remember the Golden Rule of treating people the way you want to be treated has evolved. The Platinum rule teaches us to Treat others the way they want to be treated. Lead the Way. Be inclusive with every person, in every interaction, in everything you do, every day.

Cultural awareness does not simply involve learning about other cultures or belief systems. Building cultural awareness means you work towards accepting differences. By understanding our differences we can move beyond tolerance and truly become accepting and welcoming. This is how we learn to build inclusive communities and we start to drop the barriers.

COMPASSION

Compassion is something that every human can cultivate. It takes work to get beyond your own story and to acknowledge that there are different perspectives and complexities inherent in every individual's life. We all need to understand that compassion for one another's humanity enhances our ability to be in relationship with one another. One way of cultivating compassion and empathy is by exploring Common Ground. We can work through differences and access a broader bandwidth for listening to understand one another, while maintaining dignity and respect when we can find some aspects of common ground to stand on. Yes, it’s true that you might not understand another person’s opinion, and you might strongly disagree with it - but does that mean you disagree with that person to the extent that there is no common ground?

Chances are that you have something in common with them. It could be a small thing (perhaps you both have children), or it could be something you didn’t expect (perhaps you have the same favorite author). Or maybe you and this person share a common passion that could spark a collaboration or partnership down the road. You won’t ever know until you try – until you set aside differences, look for commonalities and then tackle the hard stuff after you have developed an unexpected level of relationship based on mutual understanding about some shared values.

Acknowledge the value of the reality that not everyone is born into the same set of circumstances, nor did they choose the circumstances they were born into. This requires compassion for our own private wounds and the wounds of others. Compassion leads to healing. If there is one thing most of us can agree on is that humanity needs quite a bit of healing right now!

KINDNESS

Join Team Kindness! Be the person who models authentic kindness in day to day life. Whether it's a group, a team or a stranger passing on the street, create interactions that are respectful. Become more aware of individual differences in order to build trust and agreement, and check yourself on your implicit biases.

If each one of us waited for someone else to step up and be the first to lead an initiative, how many initiatives do you expect would get started? The truth is that it’s everyone’s responsibility to take charge and make an impact. This impact can be as small as an effort to smile at everyone you pass on the street. Kindness has a powerful ripple effect to which we do not always have line of sight.

So for right now the first step I’m taking is to allow myself some grace to sit with this malaise that the holidays have left behind. I’m taking it as an opportunity to allow my mind, body and spirit to rest. As I sign off I’m looking at the five fingers on my right hand with gratitude. I remember the first year that I began this practice I wrote one letter on the tip of each finger. I would ask myself at the end of the day whether or not I had skipped over one or two of my life practices. Now I don’t have to write the letters because each finger every day reminds me of how to make my life and hopefully the many lives that intersect with mine C-L-I-C-K.

Happy New Year, My Dear Ones.