As we approach another new year and reflect on our lives over the past 365 days we are presented with an opportunity to look beyond ourselves and create a tangible internal shift that allows us to show up in the world. For many of us, our new year's resolutions are focused only on ourselves. Lose weight, break away from bad habits, work out to develop healthier bodies and minds, and so on. But what do we do to change our actions and behaviors when it comes to how we interact with the world and the people around us? How do we become better stewards for the earth and for humanity? It is time to look beyond our narrow scope of “me and mine” and focus on “us and ours”. We can change the way we show up in the world by letting go of what no longer serves us individually and shifting our perspectives to become more compassionate and kind human beings collectively.
Releasing Judgemental Behaviors and Thoughts
Conflict is just a part of life, this is a fact we must live with. However changing the way in which we navigate conflict and find common ground can create many opportunities for us to become better humans. For instance, when we approach conflicts around our different dimensions of diversity many people revert to an 'us versus them' or a 'me versus you' perspective. The predisposition towards disconnection has become a natural way of navigating challenges for most of us, and if we are to evolve as a species we must be willing to acknowledge our connectedness as a single human race.
Reflect on your inner narrative and find where you may be employing an “us versus them” or a “me versus you” approach to conflict. How can you begin to change your impulse to separate people into categories or opposing forces that must be combated? What is behind your judgemental thoughts and actions? Are you looking for ways to justify your own unkind behavior?
Challenging your inner narrative is one of the first steps of the inner work toward becoming a more compassionate and kind human being. It is a meaningful step on the path toward reconnecting to our humanity and healing our fractured society.
The Intentional Shift in Language Choice
Some of us may remember the old line “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” And that is where it begins for many of us. This is but one example of the way that we are programmed by seemingly well-intentioned humans to armor up and get ready for what the world is going to throw at us. We believe these words, at least we try to until we have the experience of words that inflict deeper wounds than the sharpest of sticks and the heaviest of stones. Consider the last time someone uttered something truly hateful in your presence; do you remember how that felt? Those words set in motion a ripple effect that went out into the world, far beyond the of a single conversation.
A few words have the ability to shatter a human being’s spirit and to live in their body for a lifetime. This is how we begin to accumulate wounds that we sometimes never heal.
Words have power. We choose them, either intentionally or unintentionally, to convey a message that often has a different impact than what we intended. A single word may hold little power over one person but may project a great deal of pain and suffering onto another. The words we use carry more meaning than many of us are aware of; consequently, they can do more damage than we ever thought possible. Some people have an overtly reactive response when they are called out for using terms that others deem offensive, derogatory, racist, sexist, or homophobic. It is uncomfortable for some people to be called out on their mistakes or told that they have done something hurtful or wrong. When we are confronted with our wrongdoing we can become defensive, it’s a natural human response. If you are called out on your words or actions you can learn something powerful if you can pause, breathe, and examine what is truly happening. The key to unraveling this twisted mess is uncovering the reason behind your defensive reaction. Finding the true cause of the defensive reactivity can unlock a much deeper inquiry into who you are and how you are showing up in the world.
Are you feeling defensive because you believe being wrong makes you a bad person? Are you defensive because you believe being vulnerable is a sign of weakness? Are you afraid of looking like a failure? Are you upset that someone is trying to control you? What is at the root of the reaction?
In my book Know Justice Know Peace, I explore this concept in depth across all 9 Points of the Enneagram. Each energy has a unique way of navigating challenges across differences and the dominant energy can affect the subsequent reaction to conflict.
Finding Peace & Reconnection
How do we find peace when faced with a seemingly no-win challenge? Say, for instance, accepting that another person is not willing to grow, change, or step into the light. I have witnessed this phenomenon often as my heart breaks watching someone I care about have to find peace with a disconnection that cannot be repaired. Sometimes we must be willing to take a step back and allow another person the space to heal themselves so that we can begin to find a connection back to them. This is a difficult space for many of us to acknowledge and occupy. What we may consider a “lost cause” seems like defeat, but we must allow ourselves the grace and compassion to know when to take a step back. Finding a path back to a loved one or a friend who has refused to find common ground can begin by cultivating forgiveness and love for ourselves first. As I often tell people “Forgiveness is an act of self-love”, it starts inward and then extends outward. A fundamental flaw in our foundation and ability for human connection is the failure to pick up the mirror and do the work of coming to fully understand ourselves as individuals who ultimately become part of a collective community in a societal structure. If we truly intend to repair the divides our world currently faces, we must start with ourselves. The Enneagram provides a detailed guide for inner work and allows us to move out of a “me and mine” mentality and into an “us and ours” way of being—this is the framework for accelerating a cognitive shift into mindfulness at an individual level which can help us to become more present to how we show up in the world in relation to “other” human beings.