True: My reality has become deeply distorted. Metaphorically, my distorted reality built a fully furnished 2 story home, surrounded by plush green grass, an array of colorful flowers, and a white picket fence. The illusion appeared so real I grabbed the keys, opened the door, and moved right in. I felt and continue to feel so much at home, stuck in the stale taste of the familiar that at times it’s impossible to leave or even think about moving out. And yet, taking up 47 years of residence in this 2-story detached from reality, disconnected from my body, and trapped by emotions……. truthfully feels like a hollow, lonely, robotic, drab existence as an emotional zombie (harsh not harsh but true).
True: I know, I feel, and I can sense that I have betrayed my own humanity. I have internalized and have continued to invite in the false narratives and tropes projected toward someone like me, me being a racialized black girl from Minnesota. I could not stop believing that I was totally unworthy. To survive, I buried myself in an internal world of melodrama and melancholy. I have resided in a home of inflation and deflation keeping myself at a safe distance from others, hiding to avoid being viewed as ordinary. What I long for the most is a deep meaningful connection. Yet, my patterns of behavior, focusing on what is missing, devaluing the present, and feeling intensely self-critical keep connections far away. I inflate and deflate myself as I compare myself to others. I’d fallen sullenly into the role of an “other” for so long that I recognize the various ways in which I commit acts of active or passive othering toward myself and others, often feeling better or worse than others but never equal. (Often comparing myself and not seeing my own value is getting a bit irritating, – I can admit it).
Also True: I am loveable, kind, deeply feeling, sensitive, intuitive, empathetic, authentic, introspective, and expressive. I am gifted at seeing the uniqueness in things. I have an enormous capacity for human connection and healing. I have a high desire to tell the truth, and have a deep and complete connection to all others and all things. I am connected to the source of life. I have nothing to fear or prove to gain connection, acceptance, or love. (Facts! Straight up no chaser!).
The Request and Genuine Desire: A dear soul named Ellen, shared these words of John Lewis with me and I want to share it here:
“Anchor the eternity of love in your own soul and embed this planet with its goodness.” – John Lewis -
True: I desire to honor humanity in myself and others. I desire to begin to untether from the illusion. I desire to plant an abundance of love and goodness, by honoring the essence and humanity of others including myself. I desire to heal in the community. I need other loving, flawed human beings that have been called to awaken and evolve, to reflect their luminous light, and share their truth and journey of growth. I desire to be an active, evolving human. Will you join me on the journey of deep inner work? As a community, can we support one another on our lifelong journey of healing? (Healing is possible! Presence is necessary! Let’s heal the world!)
Please invite me to a virtual healing Enneagram group or let’s gather some folks and create one together.
Also, stay tuned for the launch of a podcast with Miss Pearl.