She couldn’t figure it out.
The woman sitting in front of me had been appointed to lead her company following the retirement of her predecessor. After a year of using the same techniques she had watched and experienced him successfully use for decades she found herself in the middle of a disaster: her employees were alienated, her direct reports resentful, and the company in disarray.
As a last ditch effort, she was sent to me in hopes that my coaching could figure out why - and fix it.
“I wasn’t hired to be their babysitter, or hold their hands, or listen to their sob stories about why they can’t do what they’re supposed to do and how they’re supposed to do it,” I remember her venting in exasperation.
She felt like she was doing what was best, which was expecting them to do their jobs and holding them to a high standard.
The issue quickly became apparent to me - she had lost her connection to her intuitive Wisdom and capacity for discernment.
In her attempts to follow the success of the man who had led before her, she had taken “following in his footsteps” a little too literally, and it was costing her in every area of her life.
In rejecting her feminine energy in favor of the masculine qualities she had always seen in leadership positions around her, everyone around her had started to look like nails to her hammer.
Though her employees were accustomed to the brusque, definitive way that their former leader had moved through the world, when their new CEO had taken over, they were looking forward to some of their stereotypical ideas of what being led by a woman would look like. They were actually excited to have someone who might be more approachable.
But when she took over, she wasted no time shooting down all possibilities of a new and brighter day. It was as if she took one-upping her past leaders as a personal challenge - “if you thought he was tough, wait ‘til you see what tough really looks like.”
Her attitude going into this role was especially surprising because she had worked under that man herself. The problem was she refused to consciously acknowledge her feelings about how she was treated. She never allowed herself to own, accept, and heal from how she had been treated. As a result, she projected this harsh way of being onto her employees.
We discussed what her concept of leadership was and what she wanted to embody as a leader - the words that came to mind? Strong, fearless, bad-ass no-nonsense.
All things we tend to assign to the masculine, but not words we would typically assign to the feminine.
The fact was, she had never seen a woman lead before, and the role models she had to look to were suited by nature for different methods for success. She needed to find what worked for her - she needed to learn how to lead as a woman.
I asked her to think about what a leader for her team would look like if she were free to lead as a woman. She actually started doing that work. She began to look at her direct reports one at a time, thinking about how she could bring out the best in each of them, as individuals.
She learned that success came from a mix of masculine and femininity energies. These energies exist in all of us and both are needed for forward-thinking, productive leadership. She discovered that when she was leading by the feminine by being more approachable and being willing to listen - to issues, concerns, perspectives - she learned how to discern what was urgent. She learned the importance of granting patience and leniency, and the value of not treating every situation with cookie cutter rules.
And with that realization put into practice, her work was suddenly no longer the struggle that it had been since seemingly the day she took over.
Most importantly, embracing these feminine qualities didn’t make her weak or label her as an ineffective boss; instead it elevated her as a truly good human who could lead well.
This is a problem facing women everywhere. We are rarely allowed the authenticity of who we truly are to shine through in spaces historically occupied by men.
We try to follow the examples set by men, and we are penalized for it. The language used tells a whole story - a man gets to be strong; a woman acting the same way is a bitch. Men are labeled strategic; women, calculating.
Women leading like men is not going to bend the moral arc toward justice. In fact, I fear it is more likely to cause more destruction - the male-dominated way of being is what has gotten us here, a society where the moral advancements aren’t keeping up with our technological ones.
The world will be a much better place when both men and women can stand in their authenticity, stand in both their masculine and feminine and come to a place where they can lead with love.
And I believe that this will change the world. The empowerment of women to lead and act as women will create a tsunami of benevolent, fair, and just leaders.
Look to next week’s post for tips and insight into how to channel your feminine energy - without erasing the masculine - to become the authentic and effective leader you are meant to be.
